An amusing addendum to the Open Letter
Speaking of being followed, I saw a man this afternoon with whom I seem to have a karmic appointment every six months. This requires backstory.
Last summer, Market East Station; I was detraining from the Airport line, having returned from a week in Pittsburgh that followed the month+ in Italy. I was exhausted and walking quickly to shorten the space between myself and my bed, when over my shoulder I heard a male voice with an exotic lilt inquire if I was European.
I shook my head no and kept walking.
The owner of the accent kept walking after me.
He didn’t chase me and he wasn’t aggressive. He just walked at nearly the same speed that I walk, catching up with me when I was slowed by escalator traffic or a red light. When he caught up, he chatted amiably and without pressure: he was from Chile, he had recently been in Italy, he taught French and Italian at a local language school, perhaps I would also be interested in languages? I mostly grunted or nodded, trying to convey in every possible way but direct speech that I wasn’t interested in chat. It’s funny where our limits are… as I mentioned in the comments following the Open Letter, if you catch me by surprise all my gritty city self-training goes out the window and I’m as demure as wedding cake. Being Nice is so deeply ingrained that I couldn’t really bring myself to hurt the man’s feelings, since he was being so charming. He was positively bullying me with charm. So, when he offered to call me and give me more information about the language school, I caved and gave him my phone number.
I’m a big coward, too, so I didn’t return his calls.
Now, I think I’ve established that This is Not Okay on either side. He absolutely should not have tailed me from the train station, since I didn’t give him the least bit of encouragement and anyway that’s creepy. I should have been prepared to be honest and direct instead of nice. That’s settled. But it gets funny.
Last winter, 13th Street. I’m hurrying along (it’s cold!) and hear someone ask me for the time. I answer without looking up, and as I scurried on I heard him ask “Are you European?” I was already too far past to respond, but something clicked in my memoryand I ducked into a nearby shop, peering out the window. It seemed to be the same man. I’m terrible at remembering faces.
Now, this afternoon. I was gliding (i.e. walking fast and wearing a skirt) through the incredibly mild and lovely afternoon to meet my boyfriend for lunch. At a red light, a man turned to me and said “Beautiful day, isn’t it?” “It’s a gorgeous day!” I replied with feeling. And then I looked at him sideways… there was something about his voice that I recognized, but seriously, I’m terrible at faces. He looked at me, and said “You look European. Are you from Europe?”
Too stunned to be clever, I said that I was “from here” (patently untrue, I feel like I’m from another planet at times) and busied myself with my cell phone.
The farcical element was too much not to blog. Feel free to speculate on any angle of this curious case, such as:
Does this man realize he’s asked for my continental identification three times?
Does he ask all women, or just blond women, or just women who walk very fast?
What is his investment in Europeanness?
What should I have said to him?
And on a much more serious note (much more; I’m not in any way comparing this silly series of encounters with actual threat, although I still believe that the core assumptions behind following is related to the core of violence): look at this great list of Things Men Can Do to help end violence against women.
While he sounds a bit creepy, he might be genuinely curious and specifically about you. I think there is an aspect (I need a better word – it’s neither a Look nor an Attitude, it’s just an Aspect) that European people of both genders seem to have – possibly that should be “foreign people”, but I don’t notice it so much in South America, and most places in Asia there’s enough phenotypal difference that the thing would be irrelevant.
Now, I haven’t actually seen you face-to-face in over a decade, so I can’t speak to whether or not you “look European”, but you are well-traveled, familiar with many different cultures, and could easily have picked up enough mannerisms from all over the place that you just stand out as “not from around here” to a casual observer.
Actually, I’ve just realized that can’t be true – in fact I’m certain last time we spoke I made the same preposterous claim and you corrected me – it’s actually been at most 8 years.
Wedding invitations will be mailed soon. I’ve just discovered I’ve mislaid your address. Drop me an e-mail? The date is 2 September in Franklin.
I struggle with what to say about the list of things men can do, particularly since it overlaps a bit with one of the points/arguments/tangents in my Choke review over on Sex Calumny… although that was more broadly about male involvement or attitude towards female empowerment in general, which is complementary to, but in some respects the opposite of, the problem of ending violence against women…
Some of the comments below the list in your link mirror or at least have something in common with my initial reaction to it, which was mostly that while I understood the good intention and whatnot of the list, I was uncomfortable and at times almost angry with the tone and language used to write it…
I don’t know about Kevin, but I’ve never seen or heard anything personally that I can think of that was in any way tolerant of violence towards women… sexist or misogynistic? Sure, to vary degrees, and with various levels of seriousness, and sometimes I’ve spoken against it and sometimes I’ve held my tongue… but aside from the various arguments the commenters made, this bothers me because it depicts women as somehow helpless, weak and trapped in any situation involving or threatening violence, and while this is certainly true for many women, it’s true for many men as well, and untrue for many women, and could be untrue for many more… sure, women have less testosterone, but most tactics for avoiding or defusing violence don’t involve physical strength, and most good self defense doesn’t rely on strength either.
It seems there are two main categories of violence against women that are of concern broadly, domestic violence (and it’s threat through intimidation and/or psychological dominance or what have you) and street crime, e.g. rape & mugging, maybe a third if you put date rape in its own category. All three of these are complicated by an essential isolation of the woman with (presumably, though not necessarily) a man who may be or seem bigger/stronger/etc. Therefore imploring all men to help stop this seems a little silly, given that if any given man other than the offender were sufficiently present to provide aid, the attack would usually not occur (obviously there are exceptions, but we’re speaking in generalities, and in general of the need for such an appeal to men everywhere).
I have virtually no tolerance for violence of any kind except I suppose self defense, and in certain emergencies violence that directly prevents greater violence, but I also feel (though I’m unsure of the statistics etc) that more progress has been made in this area, at least in our western culture, than has been made against, say, violence in general, or against war in general. That doesn’t mean that men or women should be complacent about the issue, but it does help to understand the role one problem plays in the larger context or scheme of the world’s and our culture’s overall problems.
Beau Nidle, that’s a rather flattering way out of this question, but I’m totally unconvinced. : ) Three brief, brief encounters over the course of one year, during which I have barely spoken more than grunts and mutters? What’s to be curious about?
I’ll send you that Email even though I will be in Chicago that weekend. Congratulations! I will resist the temptation to send you a blue feather. ; )
Brian, I do sympathize with your position, but of course I disagree. ; ) I started to explain why, too, but it turned into a GIANT response and may become a whole other post. Will be return to it later.
Per Grumpy’s suggestion, here is a link back to the above referenced Choke review on SexCalumny:
http://sexcalumny.net/2007/07/16/review-choke-by-chuck-palahniuk/
Huh. Or maybe you actually have to do something to trigger trackback. I dunno.
I think this is fascinating. I’d probably have called him on it, and said “Did you know that you’ve asked me this before?” Or something like that. I hope you’d commit his face to memory this time to make sure next time. It’s strange, I would be a little worried that he might be tailing you at other times.
You have to put the link IN the post to trigger trackback. But I think posting in both places achieved the same end.
Richard, I know you say you’d probably have called him on it, but I’m serious… when you take me by surprise, I default to Doormat Woman. I’m all quiet and demure and afraid to be impolite – not intentionally, but it’s than ingrained.
Fortunately, most forms of being accosted in the city don’t take me by surprise anymore. ; )